I%26#39;m an ex-Parisian living in Los Angeles. One of my current hobbies is my Web site dedicated to sharing tips and helping travelers have an easier time visiting Paris. www.myparistrips.com. (It is non-commercial). I was surfing through this forum recently and really enjoyed the posts. So, I decided to contribute one of my pages. Here it is. I Hope it is helpful.
In matters of French culture and customs, the Paris waiter has, fairly or unfairly, often been singled out as the poster child for the rude-French stereotype. But what you may think of as rude may be nothing but poorly communicated cultural differences on both sides.
Did you know that, interestingly enough, the same people who find Paris waiters so unbelievably rude are usually the ones Paris waiters consider unbearably obnoxious? The link could not be any clearer.
Not to say that they aren’t any rude waiters in Paris, but consider this. In Los Angeles, California where I live, a “bad” waiter is one that ignores your table for a long period of time, is late in providing you with what you need, doesn’t come around frequently enough to check on you, and makes you wait for the bill.
In Paris, a “bad” waiter is one you see too often, who doesn’t have the know-how to check on your table with just a quick glance or from afar; One that brings your bill too quickly, which in French social customs is extremely impolite, and equivalent to trying to get you to vacate your seat fast.
While in Los Angeles they may in fact want to clear your table as soon as possible for a new paying customer (“You’re still working on that?”), in Paris, the restaurant experience is not a speedy one. What you think of as “being ignored” for long periods of time translates in French culture and customs in you being welcome and expected to stay for a while.
Unspoken Code
In French culture and customs, there is an unspoken code in communicating with your waiter. For instance, everybody knows that to indicate you’re ready to order, you close your menu and lay it face down on the table. Your waiter will immediately pick up on that. Imagine not giving this signal to your waiter but instead giving him the attitude for “ignoring” your table. Let me just take a wild guess that you’re not going to be the best of friends! Just a hunch…
But you don’t have to know all the ins and outs of French culture and customs to get along with your waiter. To get your waiter’s attention just seek eye contact and raise your hand or index finger.
French social customs are adamant about one thing: Interacting with a person without first exchanging greetings is ill-mannered. Having lived in either French or American cultures my whole life, I know first hand that one thing we do in America without thinking anything of it is for example, to go up to a gas station attendant and just blurt out “$20 on number 4” without a simple hello. Not everyone does it, but it is common.
In France, it’s an impolite and flagrant lack of respect, and one that workers in the service or hospitality industry, such as waiters, are particularly incensed by.
Your waiter will be even more annoyed by you if you assume he understands English and start barking orders. Although many of them have at least a basic level of English skills, picture how you would feel if you were a waiter in Hometown USA, and a bunch of impolite French tourists came in, insisting in ordering a meal from you, loudly and in French! I’m willing to bet that you too would be a bit miffed…
In keeping with French culture and customs, don’t expect your waiter to make frequent stops at your table, asking you if everything is okay a hundred times. They consider this pestering you during your meal. As professionals, they take pride in having a pretty good idea whether everything was served okay or not.
When you’re ready for the bill, it is at your leisure that you decide it is time to go. Simply get your waiter’s attention and they will accommodate you. They will never rush to present you with a bill, as in French culture and customs it is considered poor etiquette.
There are a few exceptions, for instance in cafés. Here, you may only be in for a quick cup of coffee, so the waiter might place the bill on your table right away and update it later if you decide to order something else.
If you happen to be in a hurry, just make yourself more visible to your waiter by “hand-talking”. An example is to mimic holding a pen and “air-writing” on the palm of your hand to signify you’re ready for the bill. In French culture and customs, this is perfectly acceptable. Do not get up and try to speed things up yourself, as you might ruffle your waiter’s feathers. In their mind, this says you don’t believe they’re doing a good enough job.
Paris Waiters’ “Attitude”?
Being a waiter in Paris is a very old profession and craft in the same vein as a shoemaker or a baker. It goes back for generations, is generally a male profession and comes with a certain tradition and way of doing things. For instance, a Paris waiter’s knowledge of French wine is practically second nature.
In recent decades, laws have been enacted to make waiters in many parts of Europe less dependent on income from tips. This combination of facts makes Paris waiters a completely different breed from their American counterparts. Is the main difference that Paris waiters are not after your tips?
That is certainly part of the equation, but the perceived rudeness is also clearly rooted in some differences in French culture and customs notably vis-à-vis American popular comportment. Is the waiter a rude person or someone simply put off by certain customers’ behavior he cannot bear?
Beyond the realm of French culture and customs, Paris waiters perform a duty the same way a clerk at the Department of Motor Vehicle would. They’re not fishing for tips, so the fake smiles are strictly optional. We certainly don’t make an issue of it at the DMV. So, is it that the expectations are somewhat different when it comes to someone who serves food and drink for a living? Could be…
There are certain rules in French culture and customs to which if you adhere even remotely, you would be surprised as to how friendly the French truly are. Parisians in particular, may not initially be as openly gregarious as Americans. But under that initially reserved veneer is a very “sympatique”, jovial and genuine people.
On a side note, the U.S. media-fueled stereotype of the rude, American-hating French is truly utterly ridiculous, and only propagated by people who have no idea what they’re talking about. Myself, all my friends and everyone I know in France grew up LOVING everything American. There is a big difference between being put off by certain Americans, and hating Americans in general. France and the U.S. have always been enamored with one another, even in disagreement and in spite of cultural differences.
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Well spoken ! I agree totally - we are often responsible for how others behave towards us. A smile, a polite question, a %26quot;merci beaucoup!%26quot; and a %26quot;très delicieux!%26quot; after the meal makes a world of difference.
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For me the main difference between a French waiter and an American waiter is the pretense that so many American servers have. In Paris I%26#39;m used to the %26#39;attitude%26#39; which is actually based on efficiency to me. No chit chat or likewise. Just order, eat, and ask politely for l%26#39; addition are basically what it%26#39;s about to me. If one needs something signaling to the waiter and asking Monsieur politely for what is needed has been fine with me. I like the idea that once you reserve a table it is yours for as long as you wish. I%26#39;ve never had a waiter plop l%26#39;addition on the table in a restaurant (at a cafe, yes but sometimes not even). It works for me and I wish it were like this in the US honestly.
As to rudeness there are definitely rude locals, surely. But then that%26#39;s a personal problem and not something that should be thought of as anti-American. I came across some rude locals on this and past trips but I find rude locals here at home also.
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A couple of points. People can%26#39;t read minds, or be expected to know every custom in the nations they visit. In many countries, waiters will assist tourists through the process, and understand that it may be foreign to them.
Secondly, part of the job of a waiter, like it or not, is to tolerate a customer%26#39;s idiosyncracies to a reasonable degree. Their job is to provide service, whether the customer does everything just right or not. That is true in every country. In the US, a really excellent waiter is FLEXIBLE, meaning he can be all things to different tables. Some tables need more attention, some want to be left alone, etc.
Thirdly, there is really no original information in your post. It has been rehashed and rewritten a thousand times in a thousand different places.
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AlanaBayArea,
you%26#39;re precisely making the point of my post. You ARE expected to make a minimum effort to understand the culture of a place you choose to visit. Failure to do so is at the root of the problem. To expect the same cultural affinities from a waiter in San Francisco and a waiter in Khartoum is not very realistic. Hence, the unnecessary friction.
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Interesting post and there is certainly some truth to it. One thing that is omitted is the difference in the way Americans and French perceive dining out. Americans %26quot;go out to eat%26quot; more often than %26quot;to dine%26quot;. The vast majority of French restaurants offer a dining experience, as in a 2 to 3 hour meal. Most americans like to wrap things up in 1 hour. This can lead to the american tourist being under the impression that they are being ignored as things are not moving along quickly.
Will an American enjoy their meal more fully if they are aware of the cultural diffences that you point out? Certainly. However, that responsability does not fully lie on the shoulders of the tourist. Restaurants in tourist areas of Paris that have a larger percentage of tourists should be more aware of the expectations of those tourists and proceed accordingly. Thats called meeting your clients needs.
I have dined throughout France and I sometimes find Parisian waiters more abrupt. Not all of them of course and I have had many lovely meals in Paris. I dont expect them to fall all over me but when a waiter just comes up to the table and stares waiting for your order, thats rude. I also expect them to ask me how it was and maintainy a general level of politness. I have actually been served in brasseries in Paris where the only thing the waiter says to me is %26quot;anything else? %26quot; after they take away the meal.
You mention making eye contact with waiters to get their attention. Parisian waiters are most artful in the avoidance of eye contact. They can walk across the entire restaurant without making eye contact.
I am sure part of the abruptness is simply due to life in the big city and all of the stress that comes with it.
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I believe in the boomeran effect.
What goes around comes around.
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Ambassy, I loved your post...so good for first-timers especially..and it wasn%26#39;t all a rehash in my opinion...
Perso, I must be French from some other life, because I find American waitstaff kind of cloying...I mean, if I wanted them to join my dinner party I%26#39;d have sent them an invitation...I like having my food brought to the table with good timing and Parisian waiters seem to excel at this....It%26#39;s always one of the wonderful things about going to Paris...That we learn again to be civilized and not RUSHRUSHRUSH thru our meals American-style...
I do speak French and that helps, altho sometimes menu French can escape me if it%26#39;s one of those two or three line descriptions of how a dish is made....I have had French waiters who are charming, flirtatious, and very very funny...I agree with you that the French are very fun and charming and curious and intelligent people if we get to know them and respect their etiquette and cultural habits...WE should be saying hello to each other,too, but again, we are so RUSHRUSHRUSH that we just get out our order and get outtathere...In the South, where I live, it%26#39;s often a bit more civil, and checking out at the grocery can involve a good conversation of ten minutes with the cashier...Perso, I like French waitstaff style....
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Ambassy, I give you a grade of A+ based on content and language. Whether or not this topic has been over-discussed in the past, I personally have found your message both enlightening and entertaining.
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Excellent post! This discussion has come up many times on this forum (and I hate to say usually those from the USA on the rude side and those of us from the Europe on the other). Much of what you say can be found in guide books, but it seems (from this forum anyway) that some people never look at one!
(I think this is the first post that I have wanted to print out and keep!)
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